Tedious Destination

What the hell is this place up to?

Where is their justification for raising prices on admission and drinks?
Consumer prices are coming down in the midst of looming deflation. Hello?

The security guys are a downright rude bunch of goons: perhaps a good thing if you hadn't already bought an (overpriced) entrance ticket and were just loitering about and looked like a gay-basher.

One last photo of summer

Welcome me back!

From the final days of summer, to the return to Beijing, I'm back.
Reading back on the posts I kept under wraps while I sorted out my Vancouver departure, I realised I'd left not a moment too soon. I was obviously not myself without my better half those lost six months. The past 8 weeks here in his arms are just what I need to put my suspicions to rest and get on with our lives together.

The man, the bag or both?

A Louis Vuitton Man-Bag,
a fine accessory
for a fine guy.

No love lost

Another drunken excuse for another missed call. It makes me feel that much less important when he can't do what he says he will. Every night this week I left any engagement to be home early enough to catch him upon awaking at noon. I even went as far as waking up early enough to be there when he said he would. At least we could chat on the phone, but it wasn't the same, nor was it enough.

Some kind of nag I must be, which according to many means I must really love him. And I suppose for many, this kind of nagging is appreciated as a sign of love. I do understand that, but I don't agree with it for two reasons. The first is, I don't handle this stress well. The second is, I don't have to accept this stress. I don't find any justification for love under stress.

Meanwhile, he doesn't nag me about anything. I doubt his lack of nagging is because he doesn't love me. He says he does - all the time. Conversely, my nagging must mean I love him. Tricky.

So instead of changing my Facebook relationship status from 'engaged' to something else, I won't.  It clearly doesn't have any value to any number of people anyway, least of all his Best Friend, who is cutely 'engaged' to their mutual girlfriend. Just empty words. At the same time, I don't want to alarm others, such as family, prematurely.

Does that mean there is hope? Symbolically, I no longer wear the ring he gave me. There's no love lost.


It has to be written about. Just as much as it had to be talked about. But then it's sometimes easier to give up and hang up. Ignore it altogether? Not quite.

The 'cultural difference' card was played. Married men and women in Asia don't usually wear wedding rings. I'm glad I was told this before I married an Asian.

On a show I watched this afternoon, an American guy, no less a polygamist, who was falling for another woman realised he was still wearing his wedding ring upon knocking at her door. (Shouldn't he have been wearing 3 of them? One for each of his wives?) He promptly removed it before she answered.

In a later scene, the significance of the ring was discussed at a meeting with fellow polygamists. For most, removing it implied intent to have an affair, to fuck around or to cheat on their wives. Yeah, that's a big cultural difference.

So, why have I decided not to wear the ring any more? Mostly because I need to know how it feels to go without it. It can easily be forgotten, left at home or even lost. Yes, it sure can. And with it a lot of significance.
And how does it feel? A lot like those other situations where I know I shouldn't be so sentimental, lest I feel utterly out of control of my emotions. I've let those be manipulated in the name of trust. And so the trusting begins anew.

The nondescript wait

Could be I waited for the wrong reasons.
Gave in to the wait with no plan for myself.
Destined myself to getting help in waiting rooms.


A cold, wet and windy Sunday

Earlier in the week I'd regretted not enclosing a birthday present fodsc_5401r Xiao Lin in the pricey package of papers I'd sent by courier the week before. I still do. But I had planned to call this  weekend. Most certainly, I would call.

Though as the the weekend drew closer, I felt a hastened distance and sensed an unsettling obfuscation. I wouldn't call it intuition (because there have been too many revelations over the past couple of months and numerous more in recent days) that did not have me call him after all.

The usual, careful refrain from even mentioning Jason's name in passing had become so commonplace that even with baited breath - devoid of teasing - could I eventually elicit some twist of the truth. An account of the birthday party left Jason dangling as an afterthought. Until the startling revelation he'd spent the night and day sleeping (?) alone (?) at Jason's place.  

Despite his first real step to come clean and acknowledge his actions, he chose instead to throw up a flurry of excuseNokiaAugust017s as to why he had to stay at Jason's. Deep down he must have been relieved not to have had to lie again, and so it was spun that he thought that this was what I had wanted. Of course, it is! Anything, but the lies. However, what in fact happened was still not even worth mentioning. One step at a time.

I am hardly upset or at all surprised. I grateful there was no malice in telling me what I'd rather know than not. Everyone wins. Xiao Lin can be more relaxed in Beijing. Jason, too. The summer was - and still is for another month - theirs.  The puzzler: how is it I knew better than to call and disturb him, I mean, them?  That's where I win.

Old Marine Drive

Entrance to the free parking area. Heading south on Marine Drive, take the first right after 16th. Note the closing time is changed by the Parks Department according to the time the sun sets. Trail 7 is just before the WC on the left about 1km down this road.

Taking a break

Getting some night air on a break from Buddy Night

Love NBC

New Olympic event: Nude Shower Doubles

Underwear theif?

I contemplated stealing those Ginch Gonch (coming down the ladder) when he took them off and hung them up to dry in the sun. In the end I didn't steal them, of course.

The other side of the yacht

On a cruise out into English Bay on a sunny afternoon.

MB's belt buckle

FB's belt buckle

Pride Vancouver 2008 is fully underway. Lineups at every venue stretch to surprising lengths. Out-of-towners can easily be spotted or heard and sure make for a more festive atmosphere.
Getting enough sleep - at least getting into bed - has proven to be a lot easier than first imagined.

Correction: FB said Title should be MB, not FB. OK - done ;-)

Packing up - 2

I usually don't take photos of guys I don't know at Wreck Beach without their consent.
I decided that this one was 'safe' because their faces couldn't be made out with the setting sun behind their backs and what with using my cheap cellcam.
I won't say when it was taken or anything more about them,
other than that they were a cute group of hot Asian guys.
They didn't even get completely naked, which I don't begrudge them.
Recently, I'm all for tan lines!

Rather explosive

A fine evening with friends at a perfect spot on the beach at English Bay Park watching China's display of fireworks in the HSBC Celebration of Light. As the evening progressed, the fireworks and my temper grew more explosive. I'm not sure what set me off - perhaps all the questions I didn't have answers to. Well into the night and early hours of the morning, I finally gave up trying to figure out what I could and should believe after sifting through the lies that I keep getting served up on a golden platter.
What did I do wrong? Should I not have asked so many questions? Should I just colour the lies white? Should I simply accept words at face value? For now, I'm going to put my head in the sand and ignore the new pains in the old wounds - literally. The original affected area on my leg has started to become infected again. Alcohol will help immensely until I decide it's time to go seek medical attention.

Summer - for me, finally

Sure, it's been hot for most of July but only now can I start to enjoy it. Nevermind that it's cloudy and somewhat cool today, yesterday was not only hot, but humid. So it was perfect timing to find a watermelon I'd bought the other day - and had fogotten about til yesterday - chilling in my fridge. I was a little out of practice in cutting one open! It was so sweet ... and still is. Can't believe I've already eaten half of it.

To add to the feel of summer, tonight will be the second of six firework shows at English Bay Park. I didn't go the first on Wednesday because I was still delerious from the medication I was taking, though I did catch some of its fuzzy colours from the street out in front of the friends' home I've been staying at while convalescing. Still semi-residing there ... which is precisely why I would have forgotten about what's in the fridge at my own place.

Unless it's actually raining, I'll finally get over to the Oasis at Wreck Beach tomorrow. There have been many reports in the gay press and from word-of-mouth that the RCMP have been 'warning' people parking along Old Marine Drive (the convenient spot to park one's wheels at the top of Trail 7) tabout people having sex in the woods. The horror! Many surmise the increased police activity has been due to the ever-encroaching new residences nearby. Some even fret the end of the nudist era at Wreck Beach will come to an end before long. All the more reason to go down and find out what's going on firsthand.

Renewing my view of time

One year on. Maintaining eternal truth and happiness in the time I fared on my own proved to be a dark journey. What demons pulled me into a life of denial and false hope I have seen before. They are not insurmountable, as I have proven time and again. No one else can pull me out of lies I tell myself.


It's time now that I face the reality of my limits and find a balanced approach to a peaceful mind and loving heart. From there my enduring spirit can take on any devious demon and guide me to a harmonious place right here, right now and forever.


Frequent lapses in precious time were whiled away because of my own lack of self respect and respect for others. How I ask for, receive and accept their love and support must be humbly addressed and carefully acknowledged. These changes won't be put off any longer and only time will tell how successfully achieved they were!

Beach Volleyball

A stroll along English Bay Park was a perfect way to relax after work.
Watching these guys have so much fun made me want to join in.
Have to heal completely first :-(


Ambulance bay at Vancouver General Hospital

Now that the worst is over, I can accurately report what has been bringing me here since the end of last month. In preparation for the last weekend of June, I trimmed my pubes and shaved my balls, as I have been ever since I was 18. The next day I felt an itch and on checking what the cause was, couldn't see anything unusual. The following day - wham! Much more than a pimple had developed. I tried various topical ointments and salves, but nothing worked.
Clearly, it was an infection gone from bad to worse. The pain was unbearable, so I decided to go to a local walk-in clinic on May 30, but it was closed for the long weekend. I then walked over to St. Paul's hospital, however walked out after less than 2 minutes of being there because the notorious cabal of junkies and mentally-challenged in the reception area of the emergency room were too much to bear. With the help of a friend via sms, I tried 3 other walk-in clinics. All were closed. Vancouver General Hospital (VGH) turned out to be the best place after all. And it's roughly the sam distance from my place as St. Paul's. It did take a long time to be seen initially after waiting at the triage desk for an hour, being admitted and then waiting again for a doctor to see me. But since then, I have consistently been able to make their requested follow-up visits in a timely manner, thanks in great part to their Fast Track procedure. I've been in about 7 times now to have the dressing changed and the infection monitored. It has almost completely gone away. I can't commend the staff, nurses and doctors enough for all their professionalism. The number of people in the emergency reception area varied day to day. Some times of day it looked like a scene out of ER after an MVA. At others, it was as calm as a rural clinic. Without a doubt, I'll only ever go there before I even think of St. Paul's.

To continue with the story of the infection, I can only say this about shaving: use an antibacterial soap, salve or ointment afterwards!

Beware of pricks...

... according to the window display at Priape on Davie Street!
Sure, plenty of double-entendre to be had with those words.
Either way they are minced, still very good advice.
Somehow I missed the underwear sale at Priape :-(
But not the show put on by a FB who bought up half their supply.
Still awaiting his approval to post some of the photos I took.
I think I just may have a way to encourage him ;-)
But I won't be a prick about it.

Out of focus

At the pool yesterday, I was rather hesitant to point my camera at all the hot guys.

Not looking for sympathy

Vancouver General Hospital Triage Desk

I wasn't looking for sympathy when I tried getting in touch with him an hour ago. I knew he'd be sleeping it off after another night out and so I didn't want to call and wake him up. So I emailed instead. Then, I saw him on Skype - no, that was his mother. Then I saw him on MSN - well, yes but no, it was time for his lunch.

I'm heading to the hospital again because something is not right with something. I don't want to be too graphic, but I'll say that an infection which grew to surprising dimensions a couple of weeks ago seemed to aggravate another body part, which has in turn grown to unusual dimensions. Til now, I've only told him the full extent of what's going on. Now you know a little, too.

What I was looking for was some words of encouragement, some support, some something. What I got instead was concern about how much money it would cost me. He suggested I should just expect the best when I got to the triage desk. Having been 3 times already in the past couple of weeks, I'm hardly looking forward to being there alone, waiting for hours and then returning home to....

So, I procrastinate with gin. The pain is not as bad...

And now I find he's got better use of his time: cruising online. No, I don't expect sympathy. Just someone who cares enough to call or write when I'm in need.

Just friends

My boyfriend's new boyfriend

It's not that I didn't know about him (I did encourage their first getting to know each other) and his likely role after I left my boyfriend in Beijing 4 months ago. But one day not too long ago I realised there was nothing more ever said about him, even though there were plenty of events both were likely to have attended. It hit me unexpectedly hard to recently discover online photo albums of the two of them in various states of cuddly friendship complete with their banter of comments peppered with sexual innuendo.

Naturally I had to say something to the boyfriend and naturally he had to reply they were just friends, though he did readily apologise repeatedly for intentionally downplaying their practically-platonic friendship. The reason he did it? Unknown, undisclosed and unlikely to be forthcoming. Because (?) I have opened up this can of worms, I am now subjected to hearing about their upcoming social calendar in overcompensating detail.

Since I came back to Vancouver not expecting to live alone for very long, I regularly refused to allow any number of new acquaintances the oppportunity to get too close, essentially resisting the urge to make friends with benefits. It seems a tad petty to say, "What a waste!" or "Now I'll make up for lost time". All in all, in light of what was kept from me and what's been going on out in the open in Beijing (and in online photo albums) for everyone else to see, I don't plan on changing my modus operandi.

But one thing is certain, I have to make more friends!

Update on 1 August: Some surprises in the way the BF's BF comes and goes in conversations with my BF, on my BF's blog and on one of our shared social networking sites. It's gradually hitting me - like a feather pillow - that I'm more amused than concerned at their follies. Still, the childish way in which it's being played out via status updates, their adding and removing each other as friends, and the mockery of their public game concerns me insofar as I worry how hard they will take it when(ever) my BF does return to Canada, leaving the other behind. Is this the point at which the terms schadenfreude, 幸灾乐祸 (xìngzāi lèhuò), and morose delectation (delectatio morosa) converge?

Bird watching

No, not me.

My camera was certainly not focused on him
when the fog first rolled in early this afternoon.
But he insisted I take a few shots of him with the birds.

Packing up - 1

Casting a long shadow at The Oasis

2 Beaches on Sunday

English Bay

Kits Beach

Another pair

Underwear from Thailand
modelled by me

Photo opportunity

Not me, but an uncut subject

Naked body parts

Tanning my legs at Wreck Beach

Unlike some people ...

... these birds are not alone.